Look, single dudes, the world will never be in short supply of
ticking-clock women who want kids, so just stay in a little bit of shape,
keep a few bucks in your wallet and you will never not have options but you
will have double-negatives. Trust.
Like last night at a bar I called Kobe Bryant a bitch because he is one and
this dude steps to me and I tell him to shut his mouth and the bartender
said that they do not allow people to tell customers to shut up so I say
Kobe is a bitch and YOU ARE TOO and I walked out backwards with my hands
out like what and now I simultaneously am angry with myself for losing my
cool with that dude AND for not punching him in the fucking stupid face.
This is how I generally feel in life about everything.
When I got home I dropped my keys on my door mat and the hallway was warm
with someone’s dinner - smelled like basted, dripping, crispy animal skin -
and I pissed in the kitchen sink and dropped my favorite book in there and
now the pages are wavy. You know how that goes.