What do you want to with you life? I kinda wanna be a writer.
TEXT: “So I cleaned your jizz off my wall this afternoon. Well, we’ll see if it’s actually gone once I get home. It made me sad. But parents coming, I thought, better safe than sorry. Anyway, mission for after this weekend: redo the wall!”
She keeps the cat box next to the toilet and I piss in that instead because if she loves me, she must hate herself. I hate her filthy pet even more than that. The thing never even uses the cat box if my shoes or her bag is within shitting distance. Maybe because I fill its litter with frothy hot piss. Or maybe because it holds a fucking grudge. Or maybe because it does not have a name. She never...
Instead of six sentences we are doing one. Here goes mine. I am great and I hate myself bless.
Hashtag I am going to eat cheese curds, fries, and gravy in honor of she who shall remain nameless. I will send jpegs. Also. My balls. Lick and like them bless
Big D has burst into my “locked” office twice since last week. Laughs cuz the lock fails to keep him from bothering me when i’m not working. Earlier last week I masturbated in my office during lunch. (As I have been known to do.) So, there goes that, I guess. hashtag anyoneknowagoodlocksmith hashtag #omg
i think christina perri loves me. there were definite messages being sent thru youtube. also. i am going to go cut myself now so the screamings leave me alone. what you hear is not a test i’m rappin to the beat
HI I AM DRINKING TODAY WANT TO FUCK?
REBLOG: I AM AMERICA DO IT BITCHES
I don’t know. My mouth is all ugh. Dubstep will always remind me of Transformers. Dubstep will always feel like nightmare music to me. I mean, for reals, like something in this music makes me have a feeling like nobody is coming to save me. Listening to dubstep is like making myself feel like that time when i got stuck on that cliff and they had to send some rescuers to get me but i didnt...
I drank a million shitty beers and now I am sitting here shivering in my boxer’s with kind of a headache and def a tummy ache and my skin feels dry and pulled tight and my scalp itches and my lips are chapped. I am drinking water but I don’t think there is any in my body. I guzzled beer for at least eight hours. Also I texted ppl. Also I ate a lot of kettle chips. I’m on my way...
I just googled “tightness in chest elevated heart rate” but I am sure everything is okay right. Right. Right. Yes. Uh-huh. Surely. Two older women had three puppies in bags on the train and when one popped its head out and bark she punched it. Every story is about the same thing.
This mannequin, his name was Yawn. Yawn was the Swedish for what his name really was in America. Or maybe it was Finnish. Or Danish. One of those countries where everything erases from month to month. One of those lands where nothing is more than calve-deep. Yawn was a reject. Knees and elbows molded backwards. There was no way to fix Yawn unless he was melted down and begun again. But Yawn...
Ring bells on chained bikes. Move. Please. Please? Please! I have already outlived better men but my perception of your perception of me is not good but it does not matter if anybody else thinks you matter. Night sounds: clanging radiator, snow shovel scraping sidewalk. We might be even worse for each other than we are for ourselves. She belches in French and the whole world is in a hurry...
i know that you busy little writers have a mannequin in one of your ten thousand stories, right? i mean. i want a fuckin mannequin story. AND THANKED FAGGOTS and by mannequin i mean if it sucks i am going to say oh man that fucking story rocked my cock, dude. and if it is good i will say something like learn how to use a fucking comma you illiterate fuck. illiterate, you are thinking, is a wonky...
Book Review: "Normally Special" by xTx
robbtodd: Check it: I wrote a book review, sort of. In the interest of full disclosure, I took the photo for the cover of the book, so this is really all about me. Hell yes, it is! Anyway, read this review and I defy you not to buy the book.
I went to the window becuz I heard someone engage a car alarm. I wanted to know who to kill later when that shit went off. The car - natch - was at least ten years old. Hi. I think the world should turn on and off at my fingertips. What do you think? Also can I fuck you? And by that I mean can I have head bless?
There were bad things. Like the rain. Like so much sky vomit. All flat and gray and puking misery. There was a car - a company car with free gas - yeah and it was drivingto a restaurant ok? like every day. And it was driving thru Generica. I mean AMERICA. And the company car drove past Kohl’s and Olive Garden and Kroger and all the other names you know ok? Don’t make me fill them in....
Do you know I want to tongue fuck you? Still. I mean, you can bury that shit. You can call it dead because you’ve forced it not to breathe. You can cover something with a sheet but does that ever mean it isn’t really there? It’s pretty funny, the shit I keep seeing myself pretend isn’t there. Pretty. Fucking. Hysterical. Hardy. Har. Har. Then you go for my Kryptonite; writing me a detailed...
‘Show your love, show your support. We’re not robbing or killing.’...– R. Todd NYC, 2011
There are some things I remember but I don’t (which is foreign for fuck you btw) EXCUSE ME SOSORRY I AM AN OUTBURSTER also anyway I DO NOT REMEMBER why some things happened. Like ok for example there was a girl. And I thought she was small and cute and slutty as fuck and probably lowdown and drunk in the sack [twomajorgoddamngoodthingsbitches] - but Rotto was like - well wait hold on a...
yeah, go ahead and set up broken tents and piss against buildings and have your drinks and your drugs and i will sit here not being there but that’s okay, I AM SO USED TO THAT ALREADY! Plus, i already had me sumotto a few months back. okaymorethanafew You can have him to yerself for a few i guess. Just know that it’s no niner convention if not all of the Nine is present. You can call...
Just poured out a flask of Michters Rye I forgot was in my bag. I hate security. No issue with my peanut butter and plastic explosive sandwich, though. Niner convention begins.
man. sorry. if i lived by you, and you really liked me and wanted to let me hang out with you, i would buy a couple of forties and we would drink them out of paper bags and walk along the shore where you see that bridge in all the new york movies. or along the running path along that water lake in central park the runs adjacent to fifth. and i would buy us more forties when we ran out of the...
i keep forgetting i shaved off all my pubes and every time i go to the bathroom my vagina scares me kinda like a slim bald albino jumping out at me from behind a cubicle wall
I truly hope we are no longer telling shitty writers they are going places just becuz they are willing to be our friends and tell us our words are dope. *This was derived from the post I just read.
As we have discussed, I will piss in the kitchen sink.
I am in need of something I cannot have because I do not know what it is and please do not ask me about today because the whole thing has been co-opted and corrupted so just shut the fuck up. Take a look around you and realize that our response destroyed us. Things that will save the world: (1) stop giving people five stars on Good Reads when you know the book sucked but the person is nice (2)...
Four days of funeral arrangements and a wake and, finally, a funeral sure will take a little out of you. So will crying intermittently all day and hugging someone every five minutes and at some point you get sick of hearing, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” but at least there is an open bar afterward because that is how the Irish roll and his 12-year-old son has handled his death...
Have you ever masturbated to a video game before? http://spamtheweb.com/play/super-deep-throat The best part is trying to hit her eye with the thick gobs when you come. Chortle. That is fun in the video game, also. The Japanese are the Asian Germans.
if this was a “magazine” would we have more posts?
ride wit it threesixnine
And by you are invited I mean only if you plan on putting my penis in your mouth
Niner Convention 2011 Sept. 16-18 Ohio gfymb
pankow crusted calamari salad. it has tomatoes and whatnot. some sort of light dressing. it comes to you on a plate like summer. the calamari look like tater tots. i should eat this one day. my saturday mornings have fancy coffee service. i set it all out like i know what i’m doing. i even put a pour of milk in a little, white ceramic creamer thing with a handle. a tiny spoon rest. a...
A woman walking her dog has a harness around her waist full of doggie gear. Who is in charge? I am standing at the corner of a gas station and a woman almost ran me over pulling out. She drove from the pump over the sidewalk to the road. Everything is so lush. Green green trees. Seaman is a beautiful street. Clean and quiet. My flip flops are flopping and flipping. Sidewalk chess. Sidewalk...
This is a happy post This is a happy post This is a happy post This is a happy post
I typed the following: Ok several things. After I pressed the button that makes the period on this here machine comma my mind it went blank. Do you hate that? I mean really hate that? Also can I ask you another question? Does the thought of kissing someone you never kissed before kind of gross you out on the germs tip? And like if yes do you think about it every time you look at someone...
guess who didnt have candy for breakfast? guess who hates iced tea and tea, in general? guess who masturbates with her own panties on her face? guess who is old enough to be your mother but still gets blackout drunk and wakes up mid rape? guess who wants to be rich, lose all worry, fuck bitches, do cocaine? guess what two dudes I thought about fucking me in a hotel room because (to make the...